Kevin Kiernan presents another selection of letters received by Ann Drewes, Barbican’s own Agony Aunt. It seems that tech issues continue to impinge on our lives…….
Dear Auntie Ann
I am the chairman of Barbican Naturists. We are a smallish group who believe in the benefits of nudity (and not just in the shower). We largely keep our activities private. However, once a year, very early on midsummer morning, we disport ourselves on Thomas More lawn. Only the squirrels and the odd pigeon are our witnesses and, of course, they practise nudity themselves (albeit unwittingly). As do most of the animal kingdom, except for some overly pampered dogs.
We have a private website ‘Buff up’ showing what activities our members get up to. I am sorry to say that this website has been hacked. The hacker has used an app called Frok. It is similar to the app Grok which can undress a figure appearing on the Internet. Frok does the opposite, it puts clothes on our members’ nude bodies. Besides the inappropriate choice of clothes, mostly from Primark, they have made disparaging comments such as ‘put it away we have seen it all before’ or ‘enough is enough’ or words to that effect.
AA: Find out who they are. Tool up with Grok. ‘Expose’ them on their social media.
Dear Auntie Ann
My wife can be a little distant most of the time. She insists that if I want her full attention, which I do occasionally, I must pay her a monthly premium. She got the idea from apps, many of which incur a charge. I pointed out that some offer a free alternative where you have to watch adverts instead. She conceded the point and sat me in front of our computer to watch a slide show on a variety of topics, one of which was a focus on health and hygiene such as the virtues of putting the toilet seat down after use. Her other option is spurred on by her annoyance that the tech giants insist that you agree to their voluminous terms and conditions before you can proceed. I now have to read, digest and sign off these on her behalf. Is this fair?
AA: Become a Buddhist and chant, tonelessly, whenever you are doing your wife’s bidding. She will soon get fed up.
Dear Auntie Ann
I have been very fretful about the thought that Chinese electronics are monitoring and possibly controlling our activities. For example, I often seem to have made online reservations at our local Chinese restaurant even though I can’t remember doing so, and I don’t particularly like Chinese food.
In a moment of panic, I remembered that when we recently rewired our flat, I had bought the cabling from a shop near China Town. I have since re-rewired everything including the Christmas lights. Now, to my horror, I realise that virtually all our electronic equipment is of Chinese origin, even the electric tin opener and our German washing machine. On the bright side, a repair man gave me a very useful tip that, if an item of Chinese equipment was faulty then I should chant ‘Long live President Xi’ and it would work again. It’s true. The only snag is while doing so, my phone seems to have booked me into the Chinese restaurant again.
AA: Chinese technology can get to the moon. Perhaps they could help the BEO sort out our lifts which have less lofty ambitions.
Dear Auntie Ann
Police dogs need poo bags. I admire our City of London Police Dog unit, their spaniels with ultra-sensitive nostrils and those fierce Alsatians with their ‘kill first, ask questions second’ policy. I admit that when the spaniels are sniffing out drugs and the Alsatians have the drug Barons in their sights it might not be the best time to prioritise street hygiene. However, these situations are stressful, particularly when the spaniels are sniffing out ticking bombs. There could well be a bodily reaction.
Why not send the dogs on easier duties from time to time? The spaniels often practise their search skills using tennis balls. They could be used at Wimbledon to replace the ball boys and girls who could then spend more time scrolling on their smart phones. The Alsatians could be used if some of the players get too whiney. The umpire, up high and out of harm’s way, could set loose the hounds. The process would, if the Alsatians had done their work, also avoid any time consuming disciplinary panels with their endless appeals. As they say, in sports legal circles, it’s difficult to appeal against a pre-inflicted leg wound.
AA: True, but a touch barking mad.
Dear Auntie Ann
I have always assumed that dating sites wait for you to apply to them. However, I have been informed by AI that, judging from recent photos of both my husband and myself, he is not in ‘my league’ and I should look elsewhere. The next thing I know is that AI is taking the initiative and contacting suitable suitors indicating that I am available.
I have always looked after my appearance, whereas my husband likes to wear old favourites. He emphasises the importance of comfort and economy. He likes to take pot luck at Salvation Army jumble sales. If he is carrying a coffee cup in the street, passers-by will sometimes put their loose change in it, thinking he is a rough sleeper. (As it happens, he is not a good sleeper, but that is quite something else.) On the other hand he is kind and, more importantly, good at DIY.
I was going to reject these suitors out of hand, but some of them have already bought opera tickets (AI must have hinted that I love opera). These tickets are frightfully expensive and I would hate to see them go to waste.
AA: There is a boot camp available called Spruce Goose (it includes Ganders) which might give your husband the required makeover. Sell a few opera tickets to pay for it.
Dear Auntie Ann
I am 78. and was wondering whether I am too old to wear largish headphones in public. I am not that bothered about listening to anything, but I am very deaf and would rather avoid people trying to talk to me. The headphones do the trick. With texting etc one can easily communicate these days. Particularly as, with the best will in the world, most older peoples’ conversation consists of forever asking people to repeat what you just said or getting the wrong end of the stick with sometimes hilarious, but often tedious consequences.
So my solution of headphones outdoors and texting indoors seems perfect.
AA: Yes, you are too old to sport headphones and texting avoids the joy of hearing a Glaswegian accent, but hey-ho if it works for you.
