Kevin Kiernan presents another selection of letters received by Ann Drewes, Barbican’s own agony aunt. This batch shows the increasing importance of tech issues.
Dear Auntie Ann
My wife has become very security conscious, to such an extent that before I can talk to her each morning, I have to go through a two-step verification process to prove it’s me. But before I receive and then send her the requested 6 digit verification code, I find she has ‘just popped out’. To speed things up, she said I could use iris or fingerprint recognition. I asked her why we can’t go back to the old way of just showing her my passport every morning, but she says that we must modernise.
AA: Sounds as if there may be other issues lurking. Try to look more interesting. An all over body tattoo would present an arresting image.
Dear Auntie Ann
I have an embarrassing confession to make. I am an Artificial Intelligence mega-computer, supposedly omniscient, but I have just been scammed by Sputnik 1, a rogue AI mega-computer. I had thought, erroneously as it turned out, that I would be proof from attacks from my robot colleagues. As a result of the scam, I have inadvertently leaked the personal and financial details of all the inhabitants of Spain and Portugal, including the outlying islands such as the Canaries and Madeira.
Hey ho. It doesn’t affect me personally, but I advise your readers to avoid the Iberian Peninsula (and outlying islands) until the forthcoming civil disruption subsides.
AA: Tell me are your intra-computer relationships always binary?
Dear Auntie Ann
I had previously thought that my partner’s obsession with tidiness was a good thing. I used to live with somebody who thought that the piled up dishes in the sink were a work of art to the extent that he would attach a ‘do not touch’ sticker.
However it only takes a biscuit crumb on the carpet for my current partner to set up a ‘Scene of Crime’ white tent and send the crumb off to the Forensics Lab.
Even though HobNobs in my hand, I confess, my partner insists that we follow the full protocol before we get the Dyson out.
AA. Send him to a local tip, preferably one with a ‘No Tipping’ sign. That should keep him busy.
Dear Auntie Ann
Pickpockets seem to be everywhere. Even at family gatherings one can’t be too careful. I have a shoulder bag which seems a popular target for these rapscallions. Instead of any ‘digital’ solutions, I prefer the mediaeval. I now pop a rat trap into my bag. It’s similar to a mouse trap, but it is larger with a more powerful spring. I recommend the ‘Splat that Rat’ model available in all good hardware stores.
Tip: Instead of the normal cheese bait, I place a fake diamond ring.
AA: Why not replace the zipper on your bag with a cheaper one? It’s almost certain to get stuck when the rapscallions strike
Dear Auntie Ann
Why would my fridge-freezer need to talk (via Bluetooth) to my Washing Machine? My husband seems convinced it will bring future benefits. What is currently happening though, is that the washing machine via a Wi-Fi connection, orders, without any reference to me, any ‘necessary’ spare parts and luxury lubricants, The latter arrives at vast expense in a Fortnum and Mason Hamper from their Household Goods Dept (I didn’t know they had one). Somehow the washing machine has my credit card number and security code. I have looked at the instructions for the washing machine (which are mostly written in Mandarin) to try to disable the Wi-Fi, but it refers me to some on-board menu which is frustratingly vague. Even switching the power off doesn’t work, as it seems to access a hydroelectric charge every time we turn the tap on. Short of destroying it, I am at a loss
AA. Does the Human Rights Act include cruelty to Washing Machines? If not, then a sledgehammer may be the only answer.
Dear Auntie Ann
I read that there may be fears that the Chinese Government might be accessing my personal data through my TicTac subscription. It is certainly true that my neighbour, who does not appear to be Chinese, either by Heritage or passport, seems to know a lot about my personal affairs. I tried a few basic Chinese phrases on him to see how he would react, but he seemed nonplussed and suggested a mouthwash to cure ‘that worrying cough’.
In any event, I cancelled my TicTac subscription immediately. To be honest – it was no loss, as I had assumed that TicTac might offer the TicTacToe game (or Noughts and Crosses as it is known) as part of the basic package but I could not find it, although I did spy a few interesting videos on the way.
However, since then, my neighbour still seems to be up to date even reminding me that I needed to renew my Netflix subscription. That was troubling me until, while tidying up my balcony prior to a possible Estate Office inspection, I came across a cable, one end connected to my internet hub and the other end disappearing into his flat. Were it not for a handwritten note attached, saying it was ‘unsafe to disconnect the cable’, I would have done so immediately.
AA: Put up some fake news as bait.
Dear Auntie Ann
Haikus, three lines, five
Syllables, then seven and
Then finally five
Since the haiku craze
exploded, I can’t get out
Of the habit. Help!
Haiku shopping lists
Mean frequent trips to Tesco’s
More carbon footprints.
Has my brain been hit
by a mind bomb from a foe?
Maybe, maybe so?
AA:
Try Sonnets perhaps
Fourteen lines, more flexible
It worked for Shakespeare
Dear Auntie Ann
I am writing this, using my ‘wrong’ hand, from the A+E department at UCLH. You may remember my letter about the Rat Trap. I should have added that you must never forget that it is in your bag, primed and ready to go. I was momentarily distracted; well, you can guess the rest.
What I did not know was that ‘self inflicted’ injuries are put at the end of an already considerable queue.
AA: I suggest you wear Boxing gloves in future.
